3 years ago today

...who would've thought.

:)*

*and this shall be the only time I ever use an emoticon on my blog. Hold me accountable to this, please and thank you.

what am i here for?

I'm no god (obviously), but I am pretty sure I was put in this world for two reasons:

{1} to be happy
{2} to help others

I had such an unhappy childhood, and I grew up in such an unstable, volatile home (and, yes, there were short flashes of happiness, like winning my first gymnastics medal, or...I'm actually having a tough time with that "or" right now, which I suppose is testament to how shitty things were), that it took me a long time to understand that not only is it okay to be happy, but it is perfectly acceptable to aspire to be happy, to look at that state of being as both a journey and a long-term goal.

for a long time, I thought I had to be this "persona," the tortured writer, the fuck up, the girl with the mental illness. I thought that would not only set me apart, but that it would allow me to become the best writer. And although I do believe that the most compelling writers are those that have gone through terrible, terrible things, through hell and back, I now understand that their stories are so heart-wrenching and heartwarming because, some way or another, they are trying to make it to the other side -- to better themselves (in other words, no one wants to read a never-ending sob story).

the one thing I love most about my boyfriend is that, to him, the most important thing in life is to be happy (and healthy, obviously). I admire that. And I agree with that.

***

helping others has always been so important to me. Through my writing, I've always hoped to tell the stories of those that have gone on unheard, and (I say this without a self-congratulatory pat on the back, thank you very much) I've tackled some difficult subjects in my writing: mental illness, disability, abuse, war, poverty. I want others to read my writing, not necessarily because I think I am a good writer, but because it's a skill that I have and a skill I can use to help, even in the smallest ways.

lately, I've been feeling that I should volunteer more. I used to work for my school's rape crisis center, and that was a rewarding experience because having gone through the horrors of sexual assault myself, I feel so strongly about this issue. But I know I could still do more. 

I want to adopt a child in need someday. 

the people that I love most are those that can be entirely selfless. I've seen some great acts of compassion lately, with all the destruction and terror surrounding the hurricane, and it honestly warms my heart that people can come together in times of pain. Even if it's just by doing little things -- such as Alyssa's charge station in Hoboken, or the man in Port Authority that convinced a bus driver headed to Toronto to make a pit stop in Syracuse to drop off a classmate of mine so that she could escape Sandy in time. To me, that speaks volumes about character. I aspire to be like these people. 

my dad has been involved in the business of clean, renewable energy for over 10 years now, and I am so proud of him, knowing that what he is doing for a living will help all of humanity in years and years to come. 

I want to leave a mark someday. A good one. I want to be happy, and I want to help.

that's what I'm here for. 

p.s. this post is brought to you by my inability to sleep without first spewing some serious word vomit. 

my goals; november

so...October was an interesting month. I definitely had my ups and downs, but it was all for the best, I think. Things feel different now, within myself. Better. I'm definitely more at peace with myself and with the people in my life. I hope that this time it sticks, you know?

so how did I do last month (and also, does it terrify anyone else that it is already freaking November? What is going on? Where is the time going?)?

{1} keep working on my novel! -- check! Some days I did better than others, and I definitely didn't write every day, but I'm keeping at it. I faced some hurdles, mostly mental -- of the "you suck, your stuff is not even remotely good enough" kind -- but I want to power through. I know I can do this. 

{2} write 3-4 freelance pieces -- maybe? I've seriously lost track at the moment. But I think I did accomplish this one!

{3} read A Casual Vacancy! Biggest J.K. Rowling fan, and not just because of Harry Potter. I think she's a brilliant writer. -- I'm about halfway through. It moves a lot, a lot slower than Harry Potter did, that's for sure, and although I was expecting no Harry Potter, I still enjoy her style of writing. But with school, work, more work, and more work, it's just hard to read an entire novel, especially one that's 500+ pages long.

{4} go out and party at least once a week. -- I think I might've had too much fun toward the end of this month. I need to learn to find a balance. It's important for my health (mental, physical). But I guess this one's a check!

{5} learn to sleep past 8 a.m. -- err...with the help of klonopin? Ugh. 

{6} look into taking the GREs. -- yup! I even registered to take the test next semester. Can't wait to bomb the math section?

and as for my November goals...

{1} keep running! I've recently fallen in love with running, and I really hope to get better and faster. There's really no greater feeling than after you're done with a run...serious endorphins there.

{2} do well in school. I don't know why this has fallen down the wayside this semester...senioritis?

{3} write something for my novel every day...even if it's just a word. Just something.

{4} look into more (hopefully paid) freelancing opportunities. 

{5} eat healthier.

{6} laugh more.

happy halloween!

it really makes no sense that Halloween is, hands down, my favorite holiday (I prefer it to my birthday, even, but that might be because I did not have a good birthday until my sophomore year of college, when I turned 20 and my friend Alex threw me the best party in the history of the world -- I mean, really. Seriously, let's not even discuss my 18th birthday -- now that was a piece of shit and a half. And now here I am, going off on a tangent about birthdays on a Halloween post...).

so yes. It makes no sense. I'm a huge wimp. I'm afraid of everything: big things, like failure and losing loved ones, and dumb things, like being fat and fire (e.g. lighting a match...I only just learned how to light a lighter like, three weeks ago. As a kid, I freaking hated having to light the Hanukah candles). Even though mental illness fascinates me (I guess I'm a sick, sick person?), dissociative identity disorder (read: multiple personality disorder) scares the living shit out of me, ever since I watched the movie Sybil and had to endure hours upon hours of one of Sybil's alter-egos, Peggy's ramblings. That was some freaky crap. Actually, just yesterday, my roommate Jessica was watching another movie, Session 9, and I happened to walk in right when one of the characters was listening to an old tape recording of a woman diagnosed with DID, and as soon as I heard the voice of one of her alters (without knowing what the movie was even about, mind you), I was like, HOLYSHITISTHATSYBIL!?!?

yeah. I'm afraid of everything. Rats. Rodents in general. Ugh. And then tonight, when I took Simba out to potty, some bastard asshole dressed in a horse mask freaked me out. I'm like absolutely the worst person to have with you in a scary situation, because I'll probably just have a panic attack and leave you to fend for yourself.

but I love Halloween! Ooh, I love it. I love the candy that I never really eat and dressing up in clever costumes and watching scary thrillers like Shutter Island. I love reminiscing and watching Are You Afraid of the Dark? (which still scares me...oops).

I love Halloween, even though the smell and taste of pumpkins make me gag.

this year, for the first time ever, I was nothing (zilch, nada) for Halloween (I know, I know). But perhaps I haven't blown my chance yet; isn't it "Halloweek" this year instead of "Halloweekend"? Right? That's what I thought.

p.s. Jess and I made Simba a Twitter Simba made himself a Twitter. Follow him. He's got lots of thoughts for such a little dog. I promise he's funny. I also promise I'm not a crazy dog lady or anything.

on doing stuff

one thing that I've noticed recently is that I don't do a lot of things. I mean, yeah, I write plenty (although most of it is absolute crap), and I try to run five times a week, and I play with Simba and feed him and walk him around the block, and I go to class, and I work, and I hang out with my best friends, and sometimes I visit my boyfriend or he visits me, and every once in a while I'll have a glass of wine, but I just never do anything...out of the ordinary? Especially fun?

that's not to say I don't have any hobbies, because I do! But, how often can you travel the world? Ski season only lasts so long, and my body is pretty broken (read: I can't do gymnastics much anymore, either). I love to read, but sometimes reading school textbooks for hours on end sucks the joy out of it for me, and like I said, writing is probably my favorite thing in the world (other than Simba, when he's not gassy), but it's quite the solitary activity...and nothing out of the ordinary.

this past weekend, in the wake of Sandy (which, by the way, has had me worried sick over some people in the more affected areas, including this lovely girl right here), my boyfriend, his sister, and I went to the Kevin Hart comedy show in Albany, and it was freaking hilarious.

I hadn't laughed that hard in a while.

{...I want to go to a Russell Peters show so bad. I bet I'd laugh even harder}

I'm telling you, by the end of the night, I couldn't talk -- my cheeks hurt.

I loved it.

{and then we headed to TGI Friday's, where I got wasted off a quarter of a margarita and a shot of Bailey's irish cream...}

the last time I did something fun, out of the ordinary like that? This past May, when I went to the Kanye and Jay-Z concert in London.

that's just not okay (I mean, that it's been that long, not that I went to the concert, because that was a lot of fun, too).

I need to do fun stuff like that more often. I really do. I think it keeps me on my toes, so to speak. My life seems less mundane -- you know, it's good to have things to look forward to. Big things. And little things. Even hiking or a road trip. Just breaking out of the monotony...man, it's good for the soul.

p.s. if you so wish, please text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 to help hurricane Sandy victims.

sandy

initially, I admit I scoffed at all the hype and paranoia, like, psh, it's not even gonna be that bad. 

now, I'm kind of terrified. I'm not saying this is Katrina, part II, but oh my God. I am far enough to the west that we are not getting the worst of it, not even by a long shot (although the wind and the rain have been kind of terrifying...we had a kiddie pool -- long story; don't ask -- on our porch that blew off onto the roof!), but I am so scared for some of my best friends in New Jersey, New York City, and Connecticut. 

yesterday I had to take a train from Albany back home here, and I am so so lucky that it was pretty much the only train up in the Northeast that wasn't canceled (seriously, an act of God). I was so happy to be back home to my puppy (and roomie Jessica). When I got home, after a long shower and an even longer nap, Jessica and I popped open some champagne, ordered a cookie cake (hurricane edition, I suppose, judging by the swirly frosting decoration?), and watched Shutter Island (how oddly appropriate). And then we fell asleep (although before that, I watched some Jersey Shore because I am a wuss and already suffer from insomnia and falling asleep to Shutter Island sounds like a terrible idea to me). 

my heart goes out to all the victims...this is really horrible.

my top 10 college moments

time has been absolutely flying lately. Like, seriously speeding 90 in a 60. I recently applied for my graduation diploma (what!), and it's making me seriously nostalgic. Although I was sick (and depressed, unfortunately) last year, I have to say that Syracuse University is where I really found myself for the first time in my life. So...I bring you, my top 10 college moments (thus far):

{1} Marathon, freshman year. The drama kids here all live in the same house, which they've dubbed Marathon, and throw the most outrageous parties. This was one of the first nights in which I felt like I finally had a group of friends at college, and I just had a fabulous time. I also remember attempting some sort of ballet kick (really, I was just showing off for some fabulously flamboyant drama kid) and landing right on my ass. Photographic evidence below.

{2} iHop at 5 a.m., freshman year. Back when my boyfriend went to school here, and we had just started dating (ah, young love?), we would stay up all night talking and making frequent trips to iHop at 5 a.m. I have to say that Mike singlehandedly rid myself of any remaining eating disordered food fears, and also, the way I ate, I'm surprised I only gained the freshman five.

{3} Halloween and my awesome hippie costume, freshman year. It was here that I learned Halloween is an all-weekend affair in the world of college. Also, I still wear that tie dye t-shirt to sleep.

{why yes, at one point in time I was stupid enough to go blonde...yuck}

{4} Mayfest, freshman year. Probably the best day of my life spent with one of my very best friends, Alex, and her friends. The bar by which all future parties are measured.

{5} Cancun with Mike, freshman year. Drinking Supermans and Bob Marleys at the bar (hey, I was legal in Cancun) and having an entire bar filled with rowdy college men buying me beers and trying to teach me how to burp (unsuccessfully). What can I say? My body is incapable of burping...

{6} the gay bar, freshman year. So. Much. Fun.

{7} Naked people, sophomore year. One time, while partying at Alex's apartment, she yelled, "I love Kid Cudi!" and I replied, much too enthusiastically, "Me too! I love naked people!"

{8} the night that shall remain between Mike, Julie, Mina, and I, sophomore year. There was peeing and there was streaking and it was quite possibly the best night of my life.

{9} my birthday party, sophomore year. It was perfect.

{10} the night Ryan hid in the closet, junior year. Heh. Heh. Heh.

...do I really have to graduate or can I just stay here for the rest of my life?*

*just kidding...I want to make the most of this year, but I'm also a teensy bit ready to move on to the next stage of my life.