i refuse to call it "arm party"

{my hand circa summer 2010. It was a very young hand back then. Not even legal to drink!}

so I call it the bracelet arm. And I'm thinking it needs to come back.

time to hit up Etsy, since obviously I can't just drive to Israel or Turkey or Greece (unfortunately).

usually the bracelet arm makes an appearance in the summer but I guess I am feeling it early this year.

also, in case there is any doubt about my commitment to evil eyes/hamsas, I currently have on my body:
a hamsa tattoo. It has an evil eye in the middle.
an evil eye bracelet.
a hamsa bracelet.
an evil eye piercing on my cartilage.
a hamsa charm on my necklace.
an evil eye charm on my necklace.

I have a problem. What's worse is that I usually have more on me than that. I'm slacking.

also, this is going to sound totally hipster of me but I've worn these things since I practically came out of the womb. And it really aggravates me that all of a sudden they're trendy. Ugh. #firstworldproblems

I'm going to crawl back into my hole and shut up now.

lately

yummy baklava in Athens last winter. We killed it.

{1} I celebrated Thanksgiving with an Egyptian family, and, as a result, enjoyed (actually, inhaled) baklava instead of pumpkin pie. I can't say I hated it (also: happy belated Thanksgiving, and I am infinitely thankful for my dad, my sister, my boyfriend and his family, my dad's extended family, my best friends, Simba and his cousin Justin Bobby, almost being done with school, the cease-fire in Israel, chocolate peanut butter, and turquoise rings, among other things. And baklava. Obviously).

{2} I will teach Simba to dance like this someday if it's the last thing I do:

{3} for the past ten years or so, I've been on this prescription allergy medication that basically prevents me from breaking into the most excruciatingly itchy hives every time my skin comes into contact with dust (read: all day, every day). A week ago, I ran out of refills, and health services at school refused to help a homegirl out, so I was itchy for a week. It was terrible. But I finally got a refill and I AM SO EXCITED.

(I know, my life is awfully interesting)

{4} I found out while researching for an article that hydrocodone (Vicodin) is the most commonly prescribed drug in the United States. Is that crazy or what? It's so addictive! I mean, I took it one time for about five days or so when I hurt my back and the withdrawal symptoms after were absolutely terrible (that said, I have the world's most pathetic excuse for a "tolerance" to any substance...I get plastered off a glass of wine).

and that was my random fact for the day.

{5} the Christmas tree in our apartment is too sad and skinny. I'm not feeling it.

lately {things that make me happy}

things have been pretty low-key around these parts lately, so I apologize for the silence from this end. I've been feeling a little meh physically, and I just had Simba neutered this week, so I've been taking care of my little guy that I love so much. But anyway, here are a few things that I am loving lately:

{1} I generally could not care less about politics (I know you're not supposed to admit to that, but seriously, I just don't care), but I am so relieved that Obama beat Romney in the election. Like my friend Alyssa said, "vote for your daughter, not for your dollar" (and also, can we not forget that it took this country 16 years to dig itself out of the Great Depression?). Americans, my uterus thanks you. And also, my student visa slash immigration status thanks you.

{2} fall is so beautiful lately! Although it is getting a teensy teeny too frigid outside...oh, Syracuse.

{3} my runs. I love running. Love love love it. And running to Beyonce? Totally a plus.

{4} overcoming anxiety and depression. I'm not perfect yet, and maybe I never will be, but I am -- dare I say it? -- so proud of myself.

{5} I signed up for a fiction writing workshop next semester. I'm so excited! So far throughout college, I've only taken nonfiction writing classes (which I have loved, of course, but there's something exciting about really truly pursuing this fiction thing).

{6} being in love.

{7} my little guy Simba! Even when he misbehaves, I just adore him so much. It's so great to get home to a happy dog, wagging his tail.

{8} my relationships with my dad and my sister make me so happy.

{9} oatmeal, peanut butter, coffee, tea. Never fails.

{10} as much as I am sad to leave Syracuse after four years, I am so excited for what is to come in my life. I couldn't be luckier.

{11} I really, really, really love my job.

what am i here for?

I'm no god (obviously), but I am pretty sure I was put in this world for two reasons:

{1} to be happy
{2} to help others

I had such an unhappy childhood, and I grew up in such an unstable, volatile home (and, yes, there were short flashes of happiness, like winning my first gymnastics medal, or...I'm actually having a tough time with that "or" right now, which I suppose is testament to how shitty things were), that it took me a long time to understand that not only is it okay to be happy, but it is perfectly acceptable to aspire to be happy, to look at that state of being as both a journey and a long-term goal.

for a long time, I thought I had to be this "persona," the tortured writer, the fuck up, the girl with the mental illness. I thought that would not only set me apart, but that it would allow me to become the best writer. And although I do believe that the most compelling writers are those that have gone through terrible, terrible things, through hell and back, I now understand that their stories are so heart-wrenching and heartwarming because, some way or another, they are trying to make it to the other side -- to better themselves (in other words, no one wants to read a never-ending sob story).

the one thing I love most about my boyfriend is that, to him, the most important thing in life is to be happy (and healthy, obviously). I admire that. And I agree with that.

***

helping others has always been so important to me. Through my writing, I've always hoped to tell the stories of those that have gone on unheard, and (I say this without a self-congratulatory pat on the back, thank you very much) I've tackled some difficult subjects in my writing: mental illness, disability, abuse, war, poverty. I want others to read my writing, not necessarily because I think I am a good writer, but because it's a skill that I have and a skill I can use to help, even in the smallest ways.

lately, I've been feeling that I should volunteer more. I used to work for my school's rape crisis center, and that was a rewarding experience because having gone through the horrors of sexual assault myself, I feel so strongly about this issue. But I know I could still do more. 

I want to adopt a child in need someday. 

the people that I love most are those that can be entirely selfless. I've seen some great acts of compassion lately, with all the destruction and terror surrounding the hurricane, and it honestly warms my heart that people can come together in times of pain. Even if it's just by doing little things -- such as Alyssa's charge station in Hoboken, or the man in Port Authority that convinced a bus driver headed to Toronto to make a pit stop in Syracuse to drop off a classmate of mine so that she could escape Sandy in time. To me, that speaks volumes about character. I aspire to be like these people. 

my dad has been involved in the business of clean, renewable energy for over 10 years now, and I am so proud of him, knowing that what he is doing for a living will help all of humanity in years and years to come. 

I want to leave a mark someday. A good one. I want to be happy, and I want to help.

that's what I'm here for. 

p.s. this post is brought to you by my inability to sleep without first spewing some serious word vomit. 

on doing stuff

one thing that I've noticed recently is that I don't do a lot of things. I mean, yeah, I write plenty (although most of it is absolute crap), and I try to run five times a week, and I play with Simba and feed him and walk him around the block, and I go to class, and I work, and I hang out with my best friends, and sometimes I visit my boyfriend or he visits me, and every once in a while I'll have a glass of wine, but I just never do anything...out of the ordinary? Especially fun?

that's not to say I don't have any hobbies, because I do! But, how often can you travel the world? Ski season only lasts so long, and my body is pretty broken (read: I can't do gymnastics much anymore, either). I love to read, but sometimes reading school textbooks for hours on end sucks the joy out of it for me, and like I said, writing is probably my favorite thing in the world (other than Simba, when he's not gassy), but it's quite the solitary activity...and nothing out of the ordinary.

this past weekend, in the wake of Sandy (which, by the way, has had me worried sick over some people in the more affected areas, including this lovely girl right here), my boyfriend, his sister, and I went to the Kevin Hart comedy show in Albany, and it was freaking hilarious.

I hadn't laughed that hard in a while.

{...I want to go to a Russell Peters show so bad. I bet I'd laugh even harder}

I'm telling you, by the end of the night, I couldn't talk -- my cheeks hurt.

I loved it.

{and then we headed to TGI Friday's, where I got wasted off a quarter of a margarita and a shot of Bailey's irish cream...}

the last time I did something fun, out of the ordinary like that? This past May, when I went to the Kanye and Jay-Z concert in London.

that's just not okay (I mean, that it's been that long, not that I went to the concert, because that was a lot of fun, too).

I need to do fun stuff like that more often. I really do. I think it keeps me on my toes, so to speak. My life seems less mundane -- you know, it's good to have things to look forward to. Big things. And little things. Even hiking or a road trip. Just breaking out of the monotony...man, it's good for the soul.

p.s. if you so wish, please text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 to help hurricane Sandy victims.

my top 10 college moments

time has been absolutely flying lately. Like, seriously speeding 90 in a 60. I recently applied for my graduation diploma (what!), and it's making me seriously nostalgic. Although I was sick (and depressed, unfortunately) last year, I have to say that Syracuse University is where I really found myself for the first time in my life. So...I bring you, my top 10 college moments (thus far):

{1} Marathon, freshman year. The drama kids here all live in the same house, which they've dubbed Marathon, and throw the most outrageous parties. This was one of the first nights in which I felt like I finally had a group of friends at college, and I just had a fabulous time. I also remember attempting some sort of ballet kick (really, I was just showing off for some fabulously flamboyant drama kid) and landing right on my ass. Photographic evidence below.

{2} iHop at 5 a.m., freshman year. Back when my boyfriend went to school here, and we had just started dating (ah, young love?), we would stay up all night talking and making frequent trips to iHop at 5 a.m. I have to say that Mike singlehandedly rid myself of any remaining eating disordered food fears, and also, the way I ate, I'm surprised I only gained the freshman five.

{3} Halloween and my awesome hippie costume, freshman year. It was here that I learned Halloween is an all-weekend affair in the world of college. Also, I still wear that tie dye t-shirt to sleep.

{why yes, at one point in time I was stupid enough to go blonde...yuck}

{4} Mayfest, freshman year. Probably the best day of my life spent with one of my very best friends, Alex, and her friends. The bar by which all future parties are measured.

{5} Cancun with Mike, freshman year. Drinking Supermans and Bob Marleys at the bar (hey, I was legal in Cancun) and having an entire bar filled with rowdy college men buying me beers and trying to teach me how to burp (unsuccessfully). What can I say? My body is incapable of burping...

{6} the gay bar, freshman year. So. Much. Fun.

{7} Naked people, sophomore year. One time, while partying at Alex's apartment, she yelled, "I love Kid Cudi!" and I replied, much too enthusiastically, "Me too! I love naked people!"

{8} the night that shall remain between Mike, Julie, Mina, and I, sophomore year. There was peeing and there was streaking and it was quite possibly the best night of my life.

{9} my birthday party, sophomore year. It was perfect.

{10} the night Ryan hid in the closet, junior year. Heh. Heh. Heh.

...do I really have to graduate or can I just stay here for the rest of my life?*

*just kidding...I want to make the most of this year, but I'm also a teensy bit ready to move on to the next stage of my life.

now

something happened last weekend that shook me to my very core. Hard. And I realized: this needs to change. The way I've been living; the way I watch life pass me by, always looking to the future, thinking, hoping, praying things will get better. Completely neglecting the present. Holding on to the past.

it needs to change.

and ever since that fateful, terrible night, I feel that my eyes have been opened wide, once and for all. For the first time in a long, long time, I meditated and prayed, making my way to Hendricks Chapel, an all-faith house of prayer at Syracuse University. It was empty, and I felt shockingly peaceful and serene, at home. And I realized, it's okay that sometimes religion makes me so angry, but it's also okay to believe in something greater than myself. I cried and cried and let it all out and finally I smiled so large because I felt that everything and anything had been lifted off my shoulders.

since then, I've been more introspective than ever, looking at myself, in the now. Not the past or the future. But the now. And I look at myself in the mirror, and I think (and forgive me if this sounds conceited), I'm pretty now. Not when I lose five pounds. But now.

and when I go on runs, I enjoy them now. I don't think, if only I were faster. I am as fast as I am now, and that's okay.

it's really strange living in the moment.

and also incredibly freeing.

I need to let go of the past. I need to stop holding on to the future, using it as a crutch, like, when x happens I will be happy, or when y happens things will finally fall into place.

I am happy now, in the present. It's so incredibly freeing, I can't believe I didn't think of it before. Being happy now, as things are! What a novelty thought, no?

I'm lucky and blessed and I deserve to laugh and dance and run and joke and kiss and hug and eat and travel and be the best version of me. Now.

things that make me happy

{1} drinking dates with my friend Sydney
{2} Simba asking me to be his girlfriend (okay, more like my roommate Jessica attaching a note to Simba's collar asking me to be his girlfriend...we'll pretend I was never his mother in the first place because then that's just effing weird)
{3} fall is looking more beautiful than ever
{4} I wrote today again. Go me!
{5} I think I am sort of kind of making a writing career for myself, and it's cool
{6} getting a B in an exam I was sure I'd failed
{7} Edible Arrangements in da house
{8} massages
{9} good friends, basically. Amazing friends. I couldn't even ask for more.
{10} fall-scented candles

oh, and also: karma. My homie.

things that make me happy, v. i

I've been in a pretty foul mood these past two days (except for a few moments of coffee-induced euphoria), so instead of writing a long, rant-y post about my greatest faults and shortcomings as a person (of which I have many, I assure you...), I have decided to list a few things that are making me happy as of late. Deal?

{so I've been meaning to take photos with a real camera, but I cannot, for the life of me, find my DSLR battery, my instax mini is sadly broken, and I do not have any polaroid film...so instagram it is for now. Follow me at @debbiele03 if you wish! But I'm not that interesting...I mostly post pictures of Simba because I am one of those mothers that is convinced her child is the greatest in the world.}

{1} my new elephant mug! I found the coolest store in Hartford with handmade objects from all around the world, all from developing countries. I could've been in there all day. I love stuff like that -- way more than I love, say, thrifting, actually.

{2} feeling surprisingly un-overwhelmed by the future. This doesn't happen often, so I guess I will milk it while it lasts. I am just starting to feel that things will work out one way or another, and right now I really do not have much control over anything other than how hard I've been working to make my dreams happen, so what use is worrying, really?

{3} I slept nine hours last night! Admittedly, I took Nyquil because I am sick, but still...

{4} a fellow classmate telling me that they really loved a story I wrote after the professor (figuratively, not literally) ripped it to shreds.

{5} the fact that after 21 years of life, I am finally able to enjoy a hot cup of coffee. I don't understand why I ever hated it before.

{6} getting a job that I am really excited about (I get to write! About the things I love!)! I mean, how many people can say that about their college job, really?

{7} finally figuring out what to do with my hair so that I can trick people into thinking that it has volume. Groundbreaking stuff, people.

{8} the fact that Simba will be neutered soon. Yes. I really can't deal with this any longer. Psh, teenage boys.

{9} today, instead of listening to I Heart Radio on my morning run, I put Beyonce on shuffle. IT WAS THE BEST DECISION OF MY LIFE.

{10} starting a new book. Hopefully my brain will not be too mushy by the end of each day to read, because that tends to happen with college.