what am i here for?

I'm no god (obviously), but I am pretty sure I was put in this world for two reasons:

{1} to be happy
{2} to help others

I had such an unhappy childhood, and I grew up in such an unstable, volatile home (and, yes, there were short flashes of happiness, like winning my first gymnastics medal, or...I'm actually having a tough time with that "or" right now, which I suppose is testament to how shitty things were), that it took me a long time to understand that not only is it okay to be happy, but it is perfectly acceptable to aspire to be happy, to look at that state of being as both a journey and a long-term goal.

for a long time, I thought I had to be this "persona," the tortured writer, the fuck up, the girl with the mental illness. I thought that would not only set me apart, but that it would allow me to become the best writer. And although I do believe that the most compelling writers are those that have gone through terrible, terrible things, through hell and back, I now understand that their stories are so heart-wrenching and heartwarming because, some way or another, they are trying to make it to the other side -- to better themselves (in other words, no one wants to read a never-ending sob story).

the one thing I love most about my boyfriend is that, to him, the most important thing in life is to be happy (and healthy, obviously). I admire that. And I agree with that.

***

helping others has always been so important to me. Through my writing, I've always hoped to tell the stories of those that have gone on unheard, and (I say this without a self-congratulatory pat on the back, thank you very much) I've tackled some difficult subjects in my writing: mental illness, disability, abuse, war, poverty. I want others to read my writing, not necessarily because I think I am a good writer, but because it's a skill that I have and a skill I can use to help, even in the smallest ways.

lately, I've been feeling that I should volunteer more. I used to work for my school's rape crisis center, and that was a rewarding experience because having gone through the horrors of sexual assault myself, I feel so strongly about this issue. But I know I could still do more. 

I want to adopt a child in need someday. 

the people that I love most are those that can be entirely selfless. I've seen some great acts of compassion lately, with all the destruction and terror surrounding the hurricane, and it honestly warms my heart that people can come together in times of pain. Even if it's just by doing little things -- such as Alyssa's charge station in Hoboken, or the man in Port Authority that convinced a bus driver headed to Toronto to make a pit stop in Syracuse to drop off a classmate of mine so that she could escape Sandy in time. To me, that speaks volumes about character. I aspire to be like these people. 

my dad has been involved in the business of clean, renewable energy for over 10 years now, and I am so proud of him, knowing that what he is doing for a living will help all of humanity in years and years to come. 

I want to leave a mark someday. A good one. I want to be happy, and I want to help.

that's what I'm here for. 

p.s. this post is brought to you by my inability to sleep without first spewing some serious word vomit. 

on doing stuff

one thing that I've noticed recently is that I don't do a lot of things. I mean, yeah, I write plenty (although most of it is absolute crap), and I try to run five times a week, and I play with Simba and feed him and walk him around the block, and I go to class, and I work, and I hang out with my best friends, and sometimes I visit my boyfriend or he visits me, and every once in a while I'll have a glass of wine, but I just never do anything...out of the ordinary? Especially fun?

that's not to say I don't have any hobbies, because I do! But, how often can you travel the world? Ski season only lasts so long, and my body is pretty broken (read: I can't do gymnastics much anymore, either). I love to read, but sometimes reading school textbooks for hours on end sucks the joy out of it for me, and like I said, writing is probably my favorite thing in the world (other than Simba, when he's not gassy), but it's quite the solitary activity...and nothing out of the ordinary.

this past weekend, in the wake of Sandy (which, by the way, has had me worried sick over some people in the more affected areas, including this lovely girl right here), my boyfriend, his sister, and I went to the Kevin Hart comedy show in Albany, and it was freaking hilarious.

I hadn't laughed that hard in a while.

{...I want to go to a Russell Peters show so bad. I bet I'd laugh even harder}

I'm telling you, by the end of the night, I couldn't talk -- my cheeks hurt.

I loved it.

{and then we headed to TGI Friday's, where I got wasted off a quarter of a margarita and a shot of Bailey's irish cream...}

the last time I did something fun, out of the ordinary like that? This past May, when I went to the Kanye and Jay-Z concert in London.

that's just not okay (I mean, that it's been that long, not that I went to the concert, because that was a lot of fun, too).

I need to do fun stuff like that more often. I really do. I think it keeps me on my toes, so to speak. My life seems less mundane -- you know, it's good to have things to look forward to. Big things. And little things. Even hiking or a road trip. Just breaking out of the monotony...man, it's good for the soul.

p.s. if you so wish, please text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 to help hurricane Sandy victims.

sandy

initially, I admit I scoffed at all the hype and paranoia, like, psh, it's not even gonna be that bad. 

now, I'm kind of terrified. I'm not saying this is Katrina, part II, but oh my God. I am far enough to the west that we are not getting the worst of it, not even by a long shot (although the wind and the rain have been kind of terrifying...we had a kiddie pool -- long story; don't ask -- on our porch that blew off onto the roof!), but I am so scared for some of my best friends in New Jersey, New York City, and Connecticut. 

yesterday I had to take a train from Albany back home here, and I am so so lucky that it was pretty much the only train up in the Northeast that wasn't canceled (seriously, an act of God). I was so happy to be back home to my puppy (and roomie Jessica). When I got home, after a long shower and an even longer nap, Jessica and I popped open some champagne, ordered a cookie cake (hurricane edition, I suppose, judging by the swirly frosting decoration?), and watched Shutter Island (how oddly appropriate). And then we fell asleep (although before that, I watched some Jersey Shore because I am a wuss and already suffer from insomnia and falling asleep to Shutter Island sounds like a terrible idea to me). 

my heart goes out to all the victims...this is really horrible.