things i like and things i don't like lately

I thought I'd just make myself clear once and for all.

so, here you go.

things I don't like: messy rooms (seriously boyfriend, stop it because messy rooms are the reason for gray hairs), cold weather (at least not in March okay), hangovers, shitty runs, ingrown fingernails (yes, FINGER nails...what is wrong with me? It's probably because I cut them too short but they gross me out otherwise...), being sick with the plague (or the flu or whatever...same thing), people that give me attitude for no reason, burning my tongue with my coffee, low-fat peanut butter (seriously what the heck is that crap boyfriend?), people that don't understand the concept of "me time," missing my puppy, my dad texting me pictures of sunny Israel when I'm freezing over here in Antarctica, not speaking Arabic in a room full of Egyptians (I know how to say "dog," does that count?), almost having a heart attack because I was stupid and turned in all my assignments for this class in the wrong place and therefore had a zero for the semester (it's fixed now thank God), Syracuse University basketball as of late especially when I decide to wear a Syracuse sweatshirt in UConn territory, being in serious need of a haircut because the ends of my hair look like an old broomstick right now, 50 Shades of Gray...

things I like: this store called Blue Moon because they sell pretty elephants and rings and evil eyes and hamsas, good writing days, good runs, Starbucks, cancer packets also known as Splenda (SORRY SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHY SPLENDA TASTES SO GOOD TO ME...help me quit...one time my dad told me I was going to grow a third leg or something), goat cheese, discovering that I can eat spinach so yay I can have salads (if you're new around these parts, it turns out that I'm allergic to lettuce which is the strangest thing ever), cute sweaters for more than 50 percent off, pedicures, massages, Long Island iced teas, my boyfriend's sister (and my boyfriend too I guess), my sister when she texts me back, St. Patrick's Day parades, reading a book in like two days, clean rooms, my new watch, naps...oh and Alyssa Arminio.

obviously I need to work on my life since my "things I don't like" list seems longer.

but in any case, that was really cathartic. You should do it too.

stream of consciousness, part i

I'm taking a break from writing fiction because I have a zit inside my ear (I swear to God) and it's making me cranky. So now I'm mad and uninspired.

{for those with less than 20/20 vision that says: that's high school me pretending to be happy but really I was just hungry}

anyway, I was just thinking. Four years ago today, I was underweight. I was sick physically and really, really, really sick emotionally. I couldn't wait to go off to college so that I could starve and overexercise in peace without having my parents on my case all the time. I was mean to my friends. My sister and I, once so close, grew miles and miles apart. I wanted to look ill because I thought maybe it would relieve the pain and hurt that I felt inside (I never claimed to be a logical thinker).

I made whole wheat brownies with Splenda for MY BIRTHDAY, Jesus Christ.

and then when I found out Splenda has like, 4 calories per packet, I almost had a heart attack. Remember Meg?

and honestly all I have to say to this is, thank God I met Mike.

obviously a boyfriend can't cure an eating disorder. Well. Duh. But as a person and a friend he's taught me to care more about my career and my family and laughing and everything other than the gap between my thighs (which, for the record, doesn't exist). So whatever happens with us in the future, I'll be glad I met him. I think people do come into your life for a reason.

I think I've also taught myself to care about these things, too.

I've come pretty far in the past few years. I wouldn't have thought I'd be here four years ago, but I am so glad I am.

is it all right to say that I'm kind of proud of myself and happy with the person I've become? Is that cocky to say?

i had a good birthday

I used to hate birthdays because I had a family therapy session the day before I turned 18 and then my mom didn't talk to me on my birthday.

but then when I turned 20 my friend Alex threw me an awesome party and all was well in the world.

I'd say I had a pretty good birthday this year. I got to spend time with my boyfriend who is a cool guy in my opinion. In fact he even got me a hamsa necklace which he'd sworn he'd never do (he thinks my obsession with hamsas and evil eyes and such is borderline unhealthy, which is probably very true but what can you do?). My roommate Jess got me an elephant tapestry (elephants!) and cookie cake which was like my only wish for my birthday because if I had to choose a last meal on death row it would probably be cookie cake or oatmeal with peanut butter (yeah I know I know...what's wrong with me?). My dad came to visit me and bought me the most beautiful watch which I am forever grateful for. My friend Julie pretended to be a cat for a night and it was awesome. I got over my fear of posting an excerpt for my novel and my friend Maddy said it was good (!!!).

among other things...

so yeah, it was pretty good.

I'm a lucky girl, I'd say.

a list, because i haven't blogged in forever

forever being, you know, nine days.

{1} like so many around me, I'm absolutely devastated about the Sandy Hook shooting last week. I cannot think of anything sadder or more gut wrenching. This needs to stop. Gun control, now (I mean, how is it that you are not psychiatrically evaluated before purchasing a gun?). Better mental healthcare, now.

I'm not going to lie -- as a foreigner, "the right to bear arms" sounds straight up stupid to me. But hey! That's just me. What do I know?

anyway -- here's how to help.

{2} I'm in Colorado at the moment, and I swear to you I have never smelled so much weed just by walking down the street. More power to them, I guess.

{3} my throat is killing me, and I'm pretty peeved about it. I don't want to feel too sick to ski tomorrow (major #firstworldproblem, I know, but sports-wise, to me, it goes: (1) gymnastics, (2) skiing, (3) running).

{4} my sister pointed out to me today how ironic it is that she is dating a German and I am dating an Arab. I bet we're a disappointment to Jews worldwide.

HEY, why can't everyone just love each other? WHY? If we can do it, so can everybody else, I'd say.

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people living life in peace

You, you may say 
I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people sharing all the world

You, you may say 
I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will live as one -- John Lennon*

{5} you know how you hear of how the Harry Potter series came about to J.K. Rowling, randomly while on a train and in such obsessive detail? I think I may just have experienced the same thing (not that I could ever come up with something as brilliant as Harry Potter, but you know). I've been working on a novel for months now, but this new idea came to me so suddenly and unexpectedly that I've spent the past two days writing and researching feverishly, nearly completing my first chapter and creating an outline for the whole thing. I even have a name for it! Maybe this will be the one for me? I really do hope so! It's historical fiction, also, which is absolutely my favorite genre.

seriously guys? I'd love to be a writer more than anything in the world.

{6} I really, really love my family. My family being, you know, my sister (she is looking so gorgeous these days!) and my dad. And my boyfriend, Mike, because at this point I really do consider him family.

{7} yesterday a young girl (10, maybe?) asked me if my dad and I were married. UM. No. Does he look young or do I look old?

{8} I've taken to calling my dad Shlomi, because that was his nickname when he was in the Israeli army, and I think it's cute.

{9} I'm forgetting my Spanish. And my Hebrew. It's serious. I mean, I always thought the coolest thing about me is that I am trilingual.

{10} I miss Simba so much I can't even bear to think about him right now. I hope he's having a blast at his doggie hotel and that I am worrying over nothing.

*in case anyone is interested, Simba's middle name is Lennon.

a gift idea this holiday season

here's a disclaimer: I can't claim credit for this idea. It wasn't mine. It was my roommate's. But, hey, it's a great idea, so I thought I'd share it.

instead of dropping big bucks on clothes and movies for your friends and family this holiday season (let's face it -- clothes that they will probably never wear and movies they will never watch), I think we should all donate to a good cause in that person's name (e.g. my sister is passionate about ending world hunger, so Stop Hunger Now it was for her). After all, there are so many less fortunate than us, and to be honest, most of us already have every material possession we could ever possibly need. Or even want.

I know gifts are nice...but if you have a few dollars to spare, I really encourage you to do this.

I'd rather know someone gave in my name, really. I don't need any other presents.

the images above link to the charities that I donated to in honor of my loved ones.

my goals; december {a little late}

November was an odd month. There was both really, really good, and really, really bad. There was illness and loss. There was love like I've never known before. Life is very strange sometimes, isn't it? And so I'm just trying to deal with the day to day...

let's review my November goals, shall we?

{1} keep running! I've recently fallen in love with running, and I really hope to get better and faster. There's really no greater feeling than after you're done with a run...serious endorphins there. -- minus the time when I got horribly sick (seratonin syndrome is dreadful and deadly, by the way), and minus the time I spent a week in Albany with no access to a gym, I ran like a champ. So go me.

{2} do well in school. I don't know why this has fallen down the wayside this semester...senioritis? -- I'm trying. I really am. But when bad things happen, motivation tends to fall by the wayside. Luckily, I think I did well in my sociology final today. And I hope I'm not jinxing this now. 

{3} write something for my novel every day...even if it's just a word. Just something. -- big, fat, huge fail. But in my defense -- somedays I could hardly muster the energy to get out of bed. 

{4} look into more (hopefully paid) freelancing opportunities. -- yes. I wrote plenty and even made a little money.

{5} eat healthier. -- I mean, if you forget Thanksgiving.

{6} laugh more. -- despite all the heartache, it might surprise you to hear that I have laughed like I have never laughed before in the month of November. And I have my incredible boyfriend to thank for that.

and on to the next...my December goals:

{1} write fiction. I have a new novel forming itself in my head (actually, I have three, but this one seems almost imperative that I write now), and although I am not quite sure how I feel about juggling two novels at once, I think I'm going to give it a shot.

{2} do something each day to relax. Even if it's a little thing, like read a book for pleasure, or indulge in a glass of red wine.

{3} get through the semester. Just get through it.

{4} reach out to my friends when I am hurting more. I have so much trouble with this.

{5} stay active. Staying active makes me feel great, whether it be yoga, running, or skiing. 

{6} advocate for peace. In little ways, maybe, but in any way that I can.

lately {things that make me happy}

things have been pretty low-key around these parts lately, so I apologize for the silence from this end. I've been feeling a little meh physically, and I just had Simba neutered this week, so I've been taking care of my little guy that I love so much. But anyway, here are a few things that I am loving lately:

{1} I generally could not care less about politics (I know you're not supposed to admit to that, but seriously, I just don't care), but I am so relieved that Obama beat Romney in the election. Like my friend Alyssa said, "vote for your daughter, not for your dollar" (and also, can we not forget that it took this country 16 years to dig itself out of the Great Depression?). Americans, my uterus thanks you. And also, my student visa slash immigration status thanks you.

{2} fall is so beautiful lately! Although it is getting a teensy teeny too frigid outside...oh, Syracuse.

{3} my runs. I love running. Love love love it. And running to Beyonce? Totally a plus.

{4} overcoming anxiety and depression. I'm not perfect yet, and maybe I never will be, but I am -- dare I say it? -- so proud of myself.

{5} I signed up for a fiction writing workshop next semester. I'm so excited! So far throughout college, I've only taken nonfiction writing classes (which I have loved, of course, but there's something exciting about really truly pursuing this fiction thing).

{6} being in love.

{7} my little guy Simba! Even when he misbehaves, I just adore him so much. It's so great to get home to a happy dog, wagging his tail.

{8} my relationships with my dad and my sister make me so happy.

{9} oatmeal, peanut butter, coffee, tea. Never fails.

{10} as much as I am sad to leave Syracuse after four years, I am so excited for what is to come in my life. I couldn't be luckier.

{11} I really, really, really love my job.

3 years ago today

...who would've thought.

:)*

*and this shall be the only time I ever use an emoticon on my blog. Hold me accountable to this, please and thank you.

deep thoughts on a night of drinking

when I first began my "recovery" (and I use this term loosely as I was so reluctant) from anorexia as a senior in high school, I followed a terribly strict meal plan, complete with measurements and exact portions (good God, who has the time to measure vegetables!?). I ate the same three meals and two snacks day in and day out. While I was entrenched in my eating disorder, I became a hermit of sorts, locking myself up in the upstairs room, reading pro-ana websites (freedom of speech my ass -- those websites are dangerous and should be illegal) and counting calories. As part of my recovery, I was encouraged to go out with friends, just like I used to before my illness completely took over my life.

so one day, I did.

I was terrified. I promised myself I wouldn't drink -- calories! I packed my dinner (chicken, vegetables, brown rice), even though we were headed to a fair where there would surely be delicious (albeit fatty) options.

my friends (to be honest, at that point I had drifted too far apart from everyone to really consider them close friends) and I rented a "party bus" (keep in mind I grew up in Costa Rica, so this scenario is entirely plausible -- I was also of legal age there) and the drinking started right away.

it is kind of impossible to resist a drink when you've got 20 rowdy teenagers urging you on (peer pressure at its finest, no?), especially when you are too ashamed to admit to the real reason you aren't drinking: you're freaking terrified to get fat. Liquid calories! Empty calories!

so I did what I thought I "had" to do, my "only choice."

I flushed my dinner down the toilet. That way, I could make up for any (or most) calories I consumed when drinking (never mind the fact that drinking on an empty stomach is never a good idea).

when I got home, my dad asked me, "Did you eat dinner?" and I said, completely straight-faced, "Yeah, obviously."

an eating disorder is an expert liar.

I think back to this day and I cringe a little.

so what was that about? The point of this is not to give anyone any ideas (of course not), or to let everyone know what a sad life I lived back then. Nope. The point of this is to remind myself of how lucky and glad I am that I am finally able to let go, have a drink or two or three, and maybe even order a pizza on the side -- you know those drunk munchies are vicious.

I had a fabulous time last night with my boyfriend and his friends here in Connecticut. So what if I feel like crap this morning? I'll only be 21 once (reincarnation aside, obviously).

how things have changed.

little me

Mike just found some videos I sent him years ago from when I was little.
things were seriously so much simpler when I was, like, what, 9 years old?

a roundup {7/30-8/3}

I've been doing lots of reading around the internets lately. Mostly when I'm bored, but also because I want to read and absorb every great piece of writing that ever was, and even every not-so-great piece of writing that ever was, in hopes that it will make me a better writer.

because dammit, I will be a writer if it's the last thing I do.

and a (and I use this term loosely) successful one, at that.

anyway, here are a few articles, gems, and such that I've found helpful, useful, inspiring, have made me think, etc etc.

+ it's okay not to be okay via Thought Catalog. My new anthem.
+ what do gymnastics, orthodox Judaism and Feminism have in common? Me via deadspin. Far from an orthodox Jew here (far, far, veerrryyyyy far from it), but this was actually compelling. And inspiring.
+ one spoonful at a time via the New York Times Magazine. Old, and I'd read it before, but a professor at my school wrote it, so I suppose it has me wondering. I know for a fact that this method wouldn't have worked for me, considering the family I was born in and whatnot, but I can't help but think, hm, if it had been plausible, would I be better off today?
+ the everything guide to taxis via New York Magazine. Hilarious and intriguing and just like a train wreck that you cannot look away from, no matter how hard you try.

in other news! I've been a bit bummed out lately, as I've been having some trouble with my Crohn's again. I'm a little worried that I will relapse into what it was a few months ago - completely debilitating. Let's hope not! Luckily I have my boyfriend and his sister here with me to cheer me up.

anyway, tomorrow my boyfriend and I are taking a little quick trip to Myrtle Beach; I hope my stomach doesn't act up! I'm so excited though; I've never been. I can't wait to share tons of lovely photos and (hopefully) funny stories with you guys (all negative three of you that read my blog).