{this is me being sad, by the way}
never ever ever ever (get back together...just kidding; I can't stand Taylor Swift) take a drug that was not prescribed to you. Even if you are a life-long insomniac desperate for some sleep. Don't do it. It might have a deadly interaction with another one of your (prescribed) drugs and give you a seizure (or maybe that shit just happens to me).
while scared and frustrated and lonely at the hospital, hold on to every compliment you receive for dear life:
"ooh, I like your tattoo! Is it a jellyfish?" (No, no it's not. It's a hamsa. Funnily enough, my friend Alicia asked me if it was an elephant the other day. I didn't mind that one so much because I love elephants)
"you were so good in the MRI machine!" (Thanks, I've had a lot of practice)
"wow, you're 21 and a senior in college? You must be doing something right!" (or not, because I ended up here)
keeping things vague so that your father does not freak out is a good way to make him freak out.
if you are having the worst headache of your life, there's a good chance it's not just a headache. Do not ignore it.
try not to feel too ripped off when you are not given morphine like you were the last time you stayed overnight at a hospital (hey, I've only had it twice - at the hospital, yes - but that shit is like walking on clouds, so don't judge me too much). Don't ask for morphine, because then the nurses are really going to think you're a drug addict.
if you think riding in an ambulance might be cool (like I did), you're wrong. It's bumpy.
when the ambulance EMT asks you who the president of the United States is, say Obama, because you are sick, not stupid. When he asks you if he is on his first or second term realize that it is a trick question and say first, because again, you are sick, not stupid.
yo, ambulances are really expensive. If your university offers a free one, take it. If you are not a university student, I'm sorry, but you're screwed (see, it's good to go to college).
next time you think about getting a new piercing, think of how much of a bitch it's going to be to try to take it out if you ever need an MRI (yeah, my nose piercing closed, yet again, and my roommate and I had to pull a Parent Trap to re-pierce it...)
and speaking of, when they tell you you do not need to remove your piercings for the CAT scan of your brain, do not think you're off the hook just yet. They'll want an MRI later; you just wait and see.
don't hold your pee for over 12 hours because you are too lazy to walk to the bathroom with an IV in (I will be getting a UTI in 3, 2, 1...)
wonder why in the world the guy in the bed next to you is just so jolly about being in the hospital. Mentally punch him in the face.
crying to your father on the phone about wanting to go home will not make anyone discharge you.
texting your roommate, your boyfriend, your sister, and everyone's mother about how much you want to go home will not make anyone discharge you.
earplugs inside an MRI machine are useless. To pass the time, pretend you are at a Skrillex concert. Or, if you are not one for the Skrillex, time travel back to 2000 and pretend you are trying to connect to dial-up internet.
when you finally get hungry after not eating for an entire day, realize that you don't have to eat the sad hospital turkey sandwich and can order pizza like the guy in the bed next to you. Get angry that you didn't order Chipotle, and then remember that Chipotle doesn't deliver. Get even angrier.
always carry a phone charger with you, lest you end up in the hospital with a dead phone and no other form of entertainment.
wonder who projectile vomited onto the ceiling right over your bed, creating that lovely shade of putrid yellow.
try not to worry too much about missing class and work, your professors and boss will understand. Right?
trying to sleep at a hospital is a joke.
and on that note, I'm off to take a nap.
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