it's strange, because for a long time -- and I am talking, two, three years post-eating disorder -- I still strongly identified myself as "anorexic" or "former anorexic" or even "EDNOS" (although I never truly liked EDNOS, mostly because it never sounded as serious to me -- what a huge, irrational misconception, really, but I suppose eating disorders are ruthless, so you start to believe that one can never be sick enough).
and now I don't feel like I ever had an eating disorder. Which is a good thing, I think.
I gained a little weight recently. Nothing significant at all, certainly not enough for anyone else to notice but me. But -- here's the strange thing -- although I will not lie and say that I don't mind it, because I do a bit, as I'm sure a lot of others would, it just doesn't feel like the end of the world anymore. In my mind, it only means that if I go back to my usual healthy habits, it will fall right off without a problem, and it just isn't a big deal. And then I move on and think about other things.
that's right -- the world won't be any different if I weigh a little less or a little more. What a novelty thought.
I have no idea why I ever thought it was so complicated, as a 15, 16, 17, and 18-year-old. There is no reason that stepping on a scale should ever be so nerve-wracking.
I have no desire to look ill anymore. I am too busy chasing other dreams, I guess.
this all just makes me so sad for the person that I was, so trapped inside my own head. I'm really glad I got better.
I hope and pray that my friends do too.
You give me hope.
ReplyDeleteThank you xx
I'm happy to hear that :)
Deletea-freaking-men. thank god we are over wasting our lives!
ReplyDeleteI love this!!! I recently gained 5 pounds (I hate to say numbers, but I think this is ok!) and think everyone has noticed, in reality they probably do not. I realize that if my body wants to be 5 pounds heavier, then it SHOULD be there. If it's just because I've been having a little too much celebrations, then it will go back to where it wants to be. Anyways, I just wanted to say THANK YOU because I really needed this!
ReplyDeletehaha, numbers are okay by me :) It's nice that they're no longer a trigger. And yes! No one will ever notice 5 pounds...like really.
Deletei feel like this is one of the biggest signs of and steps in recovery. super proud of you, debs!
ReplyDeleteHi Hannah - Thanks for checking out my blog today. I came over to read yours and this post hit me like a ton of bricks. I've suffered from an eating disorder since I was a pre-teenager. Overeating and binging. Though it's been almost an ENTIRE YEAR since I've binged, I have yet to lose weight really and I'm still trying to form healthier habits. I sat in therapy for a year and it helped immensely. I long to be in this place though - chasing other dreams, food being food and weight being weight. I believe I'll get there eventually - I'm a fighter. But it's hard too. Your words felt encouraging and left me filled with hope - that eating disorders, no matter what it looks like, can be overcome. So lovely to meet you today. <3
ReplyDelete