self-destruct in three, two, one...

{I wrote this a little while ago; unfortunately I have been much too sick these past couple of days to even desire food. However, I've been inspired by honesty - here and here - so I am posting. Also, extremely-random-thought-that-no-one-cares-about-but-me: You know how writers are supposed to have a niche? Perhaps mine should be mental health; my own mind could certainly provide me with stories until the end of time, and probably even after the end of time is over, too.}

recently, I had the urge to binge. As with anything in my life, I figured, you know, hey, I should write about this. And then I thought, well, no. I don't want anyone to think that I am the kind of person that would have an urge to binge. I don't want anyone to think that I am the fat person that would have an urge to binge. I don't want anyone to think that I am fat.

convoluted thinking, I call it. I mean, how messed up is that?

I make no qualms about having the urge to restrict, as I have plenty of times over the past five or so years (I mean, does an eating disorder ever really, completely go away? Does it?). Sure, it's not a good thing. Sure, I'd be ever-so-slightly embarrassed about it. Debbie, restricting, again? Shameful. Get over yourself. It's been way too long now.

but secretly, I'd feel the teeniest bit gleeful; superior, even. Restricting? Hey, at least I have the urge, the willpower, to do what skinny people do. I am in control. I got this.

binging? Not so much. Binging is what fat people do, what people with no self-control do, what people with no willpower do. Gross. Do I really want others to know that I am one of them?

isn't it enough that I know?

{allow me to just briefly mention that I never think any less of anyone that struggles with binging. Ever. But when it comes to myself? I absolutely butcher myself in my head}

truthfully, though? Bullshit. Really. Restricting and binging? These equally destructive behaviors have absolutely nothing to do with willpower and self-control, with fat and skinny -- at least for me they do not (and I suspect it is the same for many, many others). 

I am sad? Food (or lack thereof). 

I am angry? Food (or lack thereof). 

I am anxious? Food (or lack thereof).

I am lonely? Food (or lack thereof).

so if I have the urge to restrict, or to binge, or to do anything else that could be construed as even remotely self-destructive, I should be concerned, yes. And I should take action, yes. But ashamed? Embarrassed? No. Sorry, but no.

and you know what? The same goes to you.