Wednesday, August 8, 2012

le metatarsals

{this title is not as fancy as it sounds. It's just bones. You'll see in a sec, unless I've already lost you, which I admit is entirely possible}

have you ever had a bad slice of cake? I'm quite sure you have. To me, bad cake is stale, dry as a scab, and tastes like pickles (ew) and avocado (double ew, and what's worse, it gives me a good stomachache).

so what is it about bad cake, you ask?

well, last night, I got the cherry on top of a very shitty summer cake. My foot is broken.

{well, that was melodramatic, wasn't it?}

my thoughts so far:

+ what is your deal, fourth and fifth metatarsals? Why do I keep breaking you? What did I do to you? Stupid little bones. Always so frisky. This is not the first time, and unfortunately I suspect that it will not be the last.

+ sketchy Chinese foot rub massage places cannot cure broken bones. Instead, they will cause your foot to swell to grotesque proportions (and also, they will make you $18 dollars poorer, plus tip). What you need here, my friend, is an actual doctor -- one that can prescribe real pain medication. Oh, and put you in a cast and such.

+ speaking of medication, it is utterly useless if you work 10-hour days as I do. You see, the use of narcotics is generally disapproved of in the office setting.

+ is there a more terrible place than New York City for a broken foot? I do not think so. Although, people did offer me a seat on the subway, which I always thought would make me feel special, but instead, I just felt embarrassed and awkward. This is how I suspect I will feel at my wedding.

+ crutches? In the city? Forget it. If I've had trouble crutching it in suburbia before, New York City is simply out of the question. An aircast it is, then.

+ I feel like a ginormous asshole (almost as big as the ass attached to my actual legs and lower back) because I am now unable to take Simba out on his walks.

+ if God is out there, I would like for him to allow me to catch a break. Seriously. It's been a nonstop streak of terribleness all summer. Pity party over. Amen.

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