i remember what it's like

national eating disorders awareness week is coming up.

this post is for all of my friends that still struggle.

the thing is that even though you might think I don't understand, I remember what it's like. I remember what it's like to see my reflection in the mirror and cry because my thighs look monstrous and my face too round. I remember what it's like to not take a single note in class because I'm too busy calculating calories on the margins of my notebook. I remember what it's like to see the numbers drop on the scale, and I remember what it's like to feel paralyzing panic when my weight has gone up or even stayed the same. I remember what it's like to write in my journal that my only new year's resolution is to weigh x pounds, as if that is so important. I remember what it's like to be made fun of in class (by the teacher, no less) because my brain is so starved that I just can't force myself to stay present. I remember what it's like to faint in the gym locker room after running for an hour on no fuel, and I remember what it's like to lie and say that I have bad cramps to the lady that asks me if I'm okay. I remember what it's like to weigh myself over twenty times a day, everyday. I remember what it's like to become an expert liar so that my eating disorder won't be exposed. I remember what it's like thinking that my therapist is stupid. I remember what it's like losing all my friends because an eating disorder turns you into a nasty, mean hollow shell of a person. I remember what it's like crying in my college counselor's office during my lunch period. I remember what it's like flushing my dinner down the toilet. I remember what it's like to cry myself to sleep. I remember what it's like feeling triggered by everything around me. I remember what it's like to bang my head repeatedly against the wall because I can't stand the thought of myself.

I remember mentally glamorizing the time when I was sick.

I remember what it's like to relapse.

I remember what it's like when your boyfriend tells you he can't stay with someone that would do this to herself over and over and over again, that it's not fair to him. I remember thinking he is an asshole for saying that.

but now I understand.

After so much grueling work I got better and got every single piece of my life back. I laugh a lot and love good food and sometimes I rush home from class because I suddenly got an idea for one of my stories and I need to write it down before I forget. I've fallen in love with running and for the first time it doesn't feel like punishment. I go out with my friends and we meet creepers at the bar and it is so hilarious that we just can't take it. My dog makes me laugh so hard. My sister is my best friend and I love my dad more than anything. And I can love my boyfriend because now I am sometimes capable of loving myself.

can't you understand that for those reasons recovery is so worth it?