a better place

disclaimer: I'm going to sound like a huge self-congratulating asshole in this post. I am not. I have so many flaws. I dislike so many things about myself. I am terrible at communicating, and I can snap and say dreadful, terrible things. I don't know how to forgive. I especially don't know how to forgive myself. I am insecure and needy, and although I am making progress, I treat myself horribly. Really horribly. And sometimes I drag others down with me.

John Lennon Wall; Prague, summer 2007

I've always been such an idealist, probably to the point of idiocy. I mean, I know that some of my more cynical friends roll their eyes at me, and I understand that; truly, I do. I know the world will never be a perfect place. I know it is not so easy to eradicate human suffering with the snap of your fingers. I get that. But at the risk of sounding like a "humble brag," I am desperate to do what I can. I've asked to be an organ donor on my driver's license, even though my friends tell me my organs might only be used for teaching purposes, or, even worse, that doctors would not try everything in their power to save me if one of my organs could be useful to someone else. But that's okay. I think that's a chance I'm willing to take.

I cried once when I was told I wasn't eligible to donate blood.

one of my biggest goals in life is to adopt a child in need. For now, though, I'm sponsoring a child in India, because pocket change for me is life changing cash for her, and that's the least I can do, really.

I am so proud of my dad, because he's been in the clean energy business (i.e. windmills) since before clean energy was really a "thing." A thing that anyone worried about, at least.

last year I volunteered at my university's rape crisis center, and although as a victim of sexual abuse it was honestly more than I could bear, I'm at least happy I did my part.

yesterday, I donated (small amounts, but whatever I could) to two causes that are important to me (this and this).

I just want to help.

the point of this post is not to say that I am some saint, because, again, I am not (I mean, just yesterday, I said some horrific things to my roommate in a moment of anger and irrationality and grief. I can't believe those words even came out of my mouth, and I hate myself for that.) The point is that lately, I've been seen so much ugly in the world, and it just crushes me, because that is not the world I know. Those are not the people I know. I've always thought humanity was, in its own flawed way, beautiful. And a part of me still hopes it is. The fact that I could be wrong terrifies me.

I want the world to be a better place, one without suffering and abuse and war and genocide and terrorism and cruelty in any way. I want people to respect and embrace each others' differences. I don't know why, throughout the history of the world, we've found this so hard. I truly don't know why.

to me, it seems like such a simple concept.

{thanks for maybe reading my word vomit}