a post about fantastic quotes

lucky for me, I hear fantastic things on a daily basis. If these things are particularly fantastic, I try to make a mental note in my head to jot them down later. Or I bust out the handy dandy iPhone. It's 2012. Get with it.

"I thought Kate and Prince William got divorced."
"Um no?"
"Well that's not what the Egyptian news said!"

"all I'm saying is, the CrossFit Games would be a lot more fun if they had an elliptical competition."
"or the stair master!"

"so what did you guys do this weekend?"
...
"no one? Well, I guess I'll go then. I went to a cat show."
"what's a cat show? Like, a dog show?"
"yeah, but they don't do tricks. They just sort of sit there to be admired."
"can you pet them?"
"no, well -- you have to ask for permission."
"how did you even hear about this?"
"another professor and her boyfriend invited me...so, basically, I was the third wheel at a cat show."

"hey girl, what's your dog's name?"
"Simba."
"did you know Simba means lion in Swahili?"
"yeah, I actually knew that."
"well, are you gonna ask me how I know that?
"um...sure. How do you know that?"
"I'm fluent in Swahili." -- says the drunk white kid that wants to get me to sleep with him
"...okay."

"...and then I decided a career in math was not for me, so I went to the CIA and tried to pass the test to become a spy in the Soviet Union, since I was already fluent in Russian."

"Daaaaamn, what happened to your foot?"
"I broke it."
"Daaamn, I know how you feel. That sucks."
"I know, especially in New York City."
"Right, 'cause you have to walk everywhere. I'm just like you; I got shot, so that's why I walk with a limp."
"..."

{okay, so obviously this was when I had a broken foot and that one obviously is not funny, per se, but more like oh my God I am so sorry you got shot and I am so sorry you have to carry heavy boxes around all day for your job on a bad leg and no, getting shot in the leg and breaking your foot is so not the same thing}