on not being "enough"

I've been having a hard time sitting down to write lately. Not necessarily because of writer's block, but I simply feel an odd combination of drained and empty, like I am exhausted and there just isn't anything of note to say. Maybe this is so because moving took it out of me -- it seems that it took me forever to truly get settled -- or that for the time being I lack any semblance of a routine, at least until classes start on Monday. I am also adjusting to living with roommates again, which of course is great, but I find that I need to have time to myself to write. But here I am now, and I am writing.

anyway, here is a thought: Since I broke my foot, I have been having a hard time dealing with the negativity, insecurity, and guilt that I feel over not being able to really workout, move around, be active.  This has been particularly bothersome this past week because, to be honest, I'm not in too much pain anymore, even though I do need a little more time to heal, so it is easy to forget that I can't push myself right now, or at least I shouldn't, and that this does not make me fat or lazy, or, the all-too-familiar phrase in my head -- "not enough" (e.g. good enough, skinny enough, active enough, athletic enough, strong enough, driven enough...)

over the years, whenever I've been asked to describe how I feel about myself, I keep coming back to this: not enough. With my eating disorder, I wasn't thin enough; with gymnastics, I wasn't brave enough or good enough (I perpetually came in second place after another teammate, so this might have played into it); my writing is never beautiful enough; with my family, I've never felt perfect enough.

I feel that I always come short.

so I push and I push and I push myself, testing the limits to see how far I can go before I break.

I am painfully aware of how fucked up this is. I don't want to be this way, but I think maybe sometimes I do -- it has become a defense mechanism, a security blanket of sorts, and I am having a hard time letting go. Why? I don't quite understand myself, but I do know that these "not enough" thoughts creep up unexpectedly into my subconscious and before I know it, it's too late.

obviously, there's no quick fix. And really, that's fine. But I hope that maybe by putting it all down on paper, I can stop myself, take an outsider's perspective, and realize that, you know what? It's okay not to go on a run with a broken foot and after having woken up with the world's nastiest hangover (hey, a girl's allowed to have a drink or two -- or three or four -- to celebrate the start of her senior year of college, right?). In fact, it's more than okay, or "normal."

it's a good thing.