my very serious olympic wishes

Today I considered writing a post titled “a comprehensive list of everything that’s gone wrong in my life this summer,” mainly because last night a pot of boiling oatmeal exploded ALL OVER my hands (what happened was that Simba was being SUCH A PUPPY – not in a good way, either – so I was distracted and then boom). Now I am covered in sweet second degree burns that hurt SO bad.

So the point is that I was going to write that post, but then I thought, girlfriend, get a grip, and then I remembered the Olympics start TONIGHT, which is not only a really exciting turn of events, but also a lot more fun to write about.

Growing up, I was dead set on being the best gymnast that ever was and winning the Olympics. I was well on my way (just kidding; probably not), until I was molested at age 14 and decided to take my anger out on gymnastics, which is something that I totally still regret.

That’s okay, though, because I can live vicariously through NBC’s Olympic coverage, which, biased as it may be (ugh. AMURRRRRRRICA), is still kind of cool.

Anyway, it wouldn’t feel right to not write a post about my wishes for the 2012 Olympic Games. Because I’m a creep that has serious Olympic wishes.

Correction: serious gymnastics Olympic wishes. Who cares about everything else? Not this girl.

{via}

{1} If Mother Russia does not win the gymnastics team competition (tacky Eurotrash bangs and all), I will cry bitter tears. I know I am totally being a traitor, especially because EW THE COMMUNISTS, but Russia and I have engaged in an illicit flirtation for several years now (full disclosure: I own a vintage CCCP sports jacket that I purchased on eBay. SO THERE). If Russia wins (which won’t happen, because those starved Commie gymnasts just love to self-destruct on the beam), this flirtation might just turn into a full-fledged passionate love affair. I JUST LOVE RUSSIA THAT MUCH.*

*I am no Communist. I traveled to Cuba once and returned home with amoeba in my appendix, so that kind of officially turned me off the system forever. Also I care about human rights and stuff.

**For the record, I am fully aware that the Soviet Union no longer exists. I am not stupid; I think I may just act it.

{2} I hope Gabby Douglas does well, just because she’s cute and sweet and cute and sweet people deserve to do well, I think.

This cute and sweet people deserve to do well rule should apply in all aspects of life. Not only the Olympics. Do you hear that, God? Good.

{3} However, I have to grant an exception to Viktoria Komova, because I don’t care if she is a bitch – she better win her fair share of gold medals. Which also applies to Aliya Mustafina. MOTHER RUSSIA FOR LIFE.

{4} I am absolutely indifferent toward the Chinese, although I do hope they are not all like five years old, mostly because it really irritates me when Olympic standings are changed like ten years after the fact. Like “oh you cheated ten years ago? Haha, well joke’s on you because the gold is no longer yours! It’s now x country’s! Haha!”

That is totally inauthentic and really annoying.

{5} Finally, I want some good old fashioned NBC fluff pieces. Like this or this or this. It’s like the excitement of gymnastics and the drama of Dr. Phil, all wrapped up into one. TOTALLY better than The Bachelor.