...things that I should've learned a long time ago.
I'm doing 12 things. For 2012. '12, get it?
You must be really dumb if you don't.
{1} I am a terribly flawed human being (aren't we all?), which I already knew, of course, but what I did not know was that my flaws are not that I am unlovable or fat or a failure. My flaws are that I am insecure, that I take things out on people that do not deserve it, that I am overly sensitive (which is sometimes good, sometimes bad), and that I have no patience to speak of. Which are all problems I should work on, and, you know, try to fix. At least a little bit. Especially the part about taking things out on others, because that's just not very nice. Also, I should watch my language. You know, in front of the child (i.e. Simba).
{2} A year and a half ago I did not think I could say this, but I am okay without my mother. Better off, in fact. Infinitely happier and more confident.
{3} there is no way that I do not have trichotillomania. No way. At least, like, mildly. And it needs to stop. Tips?
{4} the world is beautiful, but it can also be a very, very ugly place. Therefore, it is our responsibility to support and promote things like peace, human rights, clean energy, etc. I feel strongly about this. If we don't do it, who will? (That said, if the Mayans were correct and the world is indeed coming to an end, well, then, who cares.)
{5} feeling "fine" does not mean I can get off my medication without a doctor's supervision. DO NOT DO IT. STOP DOING IT. WHEN WILL I LEARN MY LESSON? Good God.
{6} and on that note, do not ever ever take medication that was not prescribed to you, especially if you have never taken it before and have no idea how you will react to it (not the sharpest tool in the shed, am I? Is that how that saying goes?)
{7} I've always had an irrational fear of being a terrible mom like mine was. Of being incapable of loving my children. But now I know that would never happen, because judging by how much I love Simba, I cannot even imagine how obsessed I would be with an actual future child.
{8} running is the best, and I have no idea why I ever hated it.
{9} it's about high time I come to terms with the fact that I missed the boat when it comes to gymnastics. My body is not healthy. I cannot do it anymore. Too bad.
{10} all I've ever wanted to do was write -- why deny myself this love for writing for fear of failing? Ridiculous.
{11} do not ever plan out your life in a neatly curated timeline. It won't happen that way. Things will change. I guarantee you that it is written in the stars that they will. And at first you might agonize over it, cry over it, struggle over it, but here's the exciting truth: it always, always is all for the best. Bigger and better things, kids. Bigger and better things.
{12} people change. For better and for worse. And that's okay. Life is not stagnant. It just is.*
*how Zen is that!?
for number three, honestly, you've developed a new (i'm assuming it's new) coping mechanism. people like you and i move from one negative habit to the next in order to accommodate and deal with life's stressors. realize, though, that this urge is all in your brain -- overly developed neural pathways you have the ability to shut down. but that means being nice to yourself and treating yourself well, even when all you want to do it shut down and punish yourself for feeling. never punish yourself. the spiral negative feelings and thoughts produce is terrifying, i know. but you do possess the power, no matter how 'weak' you perceive yourself as being, to say 'FUCK THAT' and challenge those very negative things trying to drag you down. life is a continuous lesson you must apply yourself to if you wish to learn any single thing. you know this. so apply your strengths, of which there are an abundance. look how far you've come this year, look how far you've come, period. you are one of the most motivated, strongest persons i know. claim your attributes and leave behind the baggage. be well. commit to being well. take life one day at a time and cross big decision bridges when you get there. otherwise, you'll continue to overwhelm yourself and negatively act out.
ReplyDeletereread your last realization over and over:
IT'S OKAY. LIFE IS NOT STAGNANT. IT JUST IS.
you think this, you know this, now -- bring it down out of the clouds and into your earthly plane of existence.
trust yourself. you're wonderful.
eh, it's not that new, but totally. I pull my hair out when I'm anxious and I've lost SO much of it. UGH.
Deleteit's okay, really. we all do weird stuff when we're anxious. i pick the shit out of my fingers when i am anxious/bored/restless. it hurts and bleeds and sometimes verges on infection. but i don't stop until i force myself to. the start of not doing it is not easy and takes a lot of brain power but eventually it gets easier. i know you can do it, boo! and, luckily, hair grows back :)
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