what am i here for?

I'm no god (obviously), but I am pretty sure I was put in this world for two reasons:

{1} to be happy
{2} to help others

I had such an unhappy childhood, and I grew up in such an unstable, volatile home (and, yes, there were short flashes of happiness, like winning my first gymnastics medal, or...I'm actually having a tough time with that "or" right now, which I suppose is testament to how shitty things were), that it took me a long time to understand that not only is it okay to be happy, but it is perfectly acceptable to aspire to be happy, to look at that state of being as both a journey and a long-term goal.

for a long time, I thought I had to be this "persona," the tortured writer, the fuck up, the girl with the mental illness. I thought that would not only set me apart, but that it would allow me to become the best writer. And although I do believe that the most compelling writers are those that have gone through terrible, terrible things, through hell and back, I now understand that their stories are so heart-wrenching and heartwarming because, some way or another, they are trying to make it to the other side -- to better themselves (in other words, no one wants to read a never-ending sob story).

the one thing I love most about my boyfriend is that, to him, the most important thing in life is to be happy (and healthy, obviously). I admire that. And I agree with that.

***

helping others has always been so important to me. Through my writing, I've always hoped to tell the stories of those that have gone on unheard, and (I say this without a self-congratulatory pat on the back, thank you very much) I've tackled some difficult subjects in my writing: mental illness, disability, abuse, war, poverty. I want others to read my writing, not necessarily because I think I am a good writer, but because it's a skill that I have and a skill I can use to help, even in the smallest ways.

lately, I've been feeling that I should volunteer more. I used to work for my school's rape crisis center, and that was a rewarding experience because having gone through the horrors of sexual assault myself, I feel so strongly about this issue. But I know I could still do more. 

I want to adopt a child in need someday. 

the people that I love most are those that can be entirely selfless. I've seen some great acts of compassion lately, with all the destruction and terror surrounding the hurricane, and it honestly warms my heart that people can come together in times of pain. Even if it's just by doing little things -- such as Alyssa's charge station in Hoboken, or the man in Port Authority that convinced a bus driver headed to Toronto to make a pit stop in Syracuse to drop off a classmate of mine so that she could escape Sandy in time. To me, that speaks volumes about character. I aspire to be like these people. 

my dad has been involved in the business of clean, renewable energy for over 10 years now, and I am so proud of him, knowing that what he is doing for a living will help all of humanity in years and years to come. 

I want to leave a mark someday. A good one. I want to be happy, and I want to help.

that's what I'm here for. 

p.s. this post is brought to you by my inability to sleep without first spewing some serious word vomit.