now

something happened last weekend that shook me to my very core. Hard. And I realized: this needs to change. The way I've been living; the way I watch life pass me by, always looking to the future, thinking, hoping, praying things will get better. Completely neglecting the present. Holding on to the past.

it needs to change.

and ever since that fateful, terrible night, I feel that my eyes have been opened wide, once and for all. For the first time in a long, long time, I meditated and prayed, making my way to Hendricks Chapel, an all-faith house of prayer at Syracuse University. It was empty, and I felt shockingly peaceful and serene, at home. And I realized, it's okay that sometimes religion makes me so angry, but it's also okay to believe in something greater than myself. I cried and cried and let it all out and finally I smiled so large because I felt that everything and anything had been lifted off my shoulders.

since then, I've been more introspective than ever, looking at myself, in the now. Not the past or the future. But the now. And I look at myself in the mirror, and I think (and forgive me if this sounds conceited), I'm pretty now. Not when I lose five pounds. But now.

and when I go on runs, I enjoy them now. I don't think, if only I were faster. I am as fast as I am now, and that's okay.

it's really strange living in the moment.

and also incredibly freeing.

I need to let go of the past. I need to stop holding on to the future, using it as a crutch, like, when x happens I will be happy, or when y happens things will finally fall into place.

I am happy now, in the present. It's so incredibly freeing, I can't believe I didn't think of it before. Being happy now, as things are! What a novelty thought, no?

I'm lucky and blessed and I deserve to laugh and dance and run and joke and kiss and hug and eat and travel and be the best version of me. Now.